My Therapy - Day 30: Single Parent & Child Relationships

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In this episode of Therapist Point, I reflect on my ongoing journey of reconnecting with my daughter. As a parent who’s gone through a complicated divorce and years of separation from my child, I want to offer a window into what that process has been like. If you’re a single parent struggling with your relationship with your child, especially after a prolonged period of distance, this episode might resonate with you.

A Rocky Start: Divorce and Separation

Like many, my marriage was difficult and ultimately ended in divorce. I was married for seven years, separated for three, and after a failed attempt to reconcile, the divorce was finalized. As a result of the circumstances surrounding our separation, I lost contact with my daughter for six years. These were incredibly challenging years, and the pain of not being involved in her life weighed heavily on me.

After six years apart, we reconciled. It’s been about four and a half years since that reunion, and though things have gotten better with each passing year, the scars of the past are still present. The resentment I feel on occasion is a reminder of how much time was lost, but I also recognize that things are improving. That’s the thing about rebuilding a relationship—it’s slow, messy, and, at times, a little awkward.

Losing Authority: The Shifting Parental Dynamics

One theme that has consistently come up in my therapy sessions is my perceived lack of authority as a father. This issue didn’t start when we reconciled, but rather when my ex-wife took on the primary caregiving role during our marriage. As the breadwinner, I focused on running the business, and my wife took on the responsibility of caring for our daughter. Naturally, this resulted in my daughter bonding more with her mom, and over time, I lost the authority that comes with being a present, engaged parent.

I remember a moment when my daughter, around the age of 12, casually told me she needed to check with her mom before going horseback riding with me. This moment hit me hard. In that split second, it became painfully clear that she saw her mother as the primary authority figure. It’s an experience I still think about—one that highlighted how my absence and the imbalance of authority affected our relationship.

The Divorce System: A Complicated Landscape

This personal struggle was brought into sharper focus after watching the documentary Divorce Corp, which critiques the U.S. divorce system. The film sheds light on how children often become pawns in the battle between parents, and how the system itself profits from prolonged, expensive legal battles. In some countries, divorce is a simple process, and the focus is on the well-being of the children. Unfortunately, in the U.S., the legal system and the courts often create unnecessary complications, with the mother typically gaining more authority over the children. While I understand that there are always exceptions, the documentary made me realize how complex and unfair the system can be.

As a father, I believe both parents should have equal rights and authority in raising their children. After all, we both contributed equally to their lives, and the idea that one parent should have more control simply doesn’t seem fair.

A New Chapter: Supporting My Daughter’s College Journey

When my daughter turned 18, we began to talk more seriously about her future. She mentioned wanting to go to college, and while she jokingly suggested that I "owed" her that, I understood the sentiment. As a parent, I had always wanted the best for her, and that meant supporting her as she pursued higher education.

The financial side of things wasn’t easy. I committed to paying for her tuition, living expenses, and all the associated costs for her four years of college. I’m happy to report that she graduated without any student loans, which is something many students today can’t claim. While college isn’t the surefire path it once was, I believe in the value of education, not just in terms of the degree but also in terms of the discipline it teaches.

However, as much as I’ve been proud to support her, I also know that part of growing up is learning to stand on your own. As a parent, it’s tough to strike that balance between providing for your child and encouraging them to build independence.

Communication: A Struggle with Connection

Even though things have gotten better between my daughter and me over the years, communication is still an area of challenge. Like many in her generation, she prefers texting over talking on the phone, which can make meaningful conversation difficult. As a parent, I crave deeper, more personal communication, but I’m trying to be understanding of her age and priorities. At 22, she’s focused on her friends, work, and figuring out her life, and I remember what that was like at her age.

That being said, I do wish for more regular communication. I’ve noticed that she communicates more frequently with her mom, which sometimes brings up feelings of frustration. I recently spoke with my therapist about how I’m always the one to initiate contact, and interestingly, the same week we discussed this, my daughter called me unexpectedly. It was a pleasant surprise, and I appreciated that she reached out.

In that conversation, she opened up about her struggles—post-graduation depression, anxieties, and financial stress. Even though I can only do so much to help her, I want to be there for her in every way I can.

The Financial Dilemma: Setting Boundaries

The ongoing struggle of wanting to support my daughter financially, while also knowing that she needs to learn to stand on her own, has been a point of internal conflict. As a father, I never want to say no to her, especially when she’s going through tough times. But as I get older and plan for my own future, it’s becoming clear that I can’t keep offering the level of financial support I once did.

I’ve started to set boundaries with her, which hasn’t been easy. My therapist encouraged me to set clear expectations for when I will reduce my financial support, and while I agree, it’s still difficult. Like any parent, I want to help, but I also know that sometimes, the best thing I can do for her is to let go a little and allow her to figure things out.

The Importance of Boundaries and Patience

Through all of this, one lesson has become clear: patience. Rebuilding a relationship with my daughter after years of separation takes time. I’m not looking for anything in return, other than her love and respect. I want to be more than just a provider; I want to be a real part of her life and our family dynamic.

If you’re a parent going through a similar journey of reconciliation, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. Boundaries are important—not as a way of cutting off your child, but as a way to help them grow into the independent adults they need to be. And while money certainly plays a role in the world we live in, the true value lies in the emotional connection and support you provide.

As a parent, my hope is simple: that my daughter knows I’m here for her, that I’ve always been here, and that I will continue to support her as she grows into the person she’s meant to be.

So, to all the parents out there trying to rebuild relationships with their children, be patient, set boundaries when needed, and continue showing up. Your love and effort will make a difference. Thanks for joining me on this part of my journey, and I’ll catch you next time here at Therapist Point.

If you're navigating your own challenges, don’t hesitate to reach out or visit our website for more resources. You’re not alone in this.